How will I start this one? I guess I am still gathering all
my knowledge and well based facts about my new blog post. I am starting to be
so addicted to writing what I think and what I feel. Oh I know. Let me tell you about my sign. By
the way, I am a Virgo.
Virgos are:
- easygoing and reserved for
the most part
- has a tendency to be
people pleasers / loves feeling needed
- over-thinkers, can obsess
about something for a long period of time
- will stand their ground,
not pushovers
- inquisitive by nature,
knows how to think things out
- determined, will finish
what they start
- humble, doesn’t need the limelight
These past few days had been rough on me, actually the whole
year had been really tough. These past few weeks, I have been struggling into
something and someone. My past blog entries, as you can see, are all about two
people involved with me emotionally. The first one (let’s call him Bear) is
pretty serious, I would admit. Best love story and yet the worst heartache for
this year. I cannot blame myself thinking about it every time I have a chance,
which is almost every day. I really fell for this guy. He was so wonderful. He
was like a fallen angel. And yes, not everything is meant to be. We parted ways
because of some sort of reasons, basically his reasons. I just grew tired of
it. So even though it is very hard on me, I still accepted the fact that we can
never be together, as in ever. We are good friends and I do not want to waste
that. This is the only chance that I have and the only way I could talk to him
or even meet up with him. That is my role, being his very good friend instead.
After this tragic (I am exaggerating to show how much pain I
got with this) happening into my life, I met another someone (let’s call him
Clown). Nothing more special than Bear, he was just someone I can talk to
again. Just like Bear whom I was referring to earlier, he was nice and caring.
He has this attitude of saying straight forward what he think. It was fun
talking to him and being myself completely. He was no liar. He admitted in the
first place that he is in a relationship. He even talked to me about that; how
they are going, what their plans are, and of course, how they are coping up
after the miscarriage of their baby and their time distance because of work.
However, there were instances that he crossed the borderline. I did not like
the way it was going. I kept reminding myself that if ever there would be
“something,” I should be able to loosen my grip that easy. I should not be
involved.
And here goes the ironic part of this story.
Both of them became special for me. Bear, being my new found
love, left me because of a reason I still cannot understand. On the other hand,
the Clown, the one who is way too complicated, made me feel I am someone
different and then left me with no words (like he disappeared). Both of them
got me thinking. Am I the problem? I know Clown has reasonable reasons, but I
don’t get the part where he just remembers me when he needs something. After
that, I get nothing. No responses and no show. Bear now becomes the same again;
he’s back to being sweet and stuff. But because I grew tired of being in pain,
I changed. I don’t involve my heart anymore (hmm, let’s just say, I don’t
involve my heart TOO MUCH anymore). I’m scared to be left alone again with
strong feelings for him. It was really very devastating. It was like a very big
disappointment. I kept on thinking that I am the problem; that I was the one
doing wrong.
Can I blame myself for being like this? I admit that I
easily trust somebody especially if I can see a good deal of myself with the
person. That’s the problem, I guess. I easily trust. My actions are based on
emotions. I am vulnerable. I am soft hearted. It is I who puts myself in pain. With
my experiences, I don’t learn. I’ve come to a realization; I like how they hurt
me. I know people who really care and who just use me. There are people who
care at first and then just use you afterwards. They just want you to trust
them so that it would be easy for them to gain access on your weakness. I am of
no intention to take revenge on these people because I know everything that
they do would happen to them also. Maybe not now or soon; but it will take its
course someday.
I am hoping for better events before the year ends. I am
wishing Clown would talk to me and sort things out. I don’t want a friend to go
away (who would want that anyways?). And with my fluffy Bear, I am hoping we
would spend a long time being very good friends. Though he sometimes forgets
me, he’s still there to hear me out and take me out if given a chance. I am
still lucky don’t you think?
I love how I met new friends this year. They are my
treasure. The year may not have been favourable to my pursuits and goals these
past months; I know something better is waiting for me when the calendar turns
to another chapter. Maybe it will give me financial and emotional stability;
all I need to do is wait and be patient.
Irony happens everywhere with no definite timing. Why would
it bump unto me most of the time? Well, only fate knows. Let’s see what’s in
store for me for the rest of the year. Few days left and everything will
change. I hope that “change” will bring me good news! I AM EXCITED! J
